You know how, when you’re watching a horror movie, you turn into an armchair survival quarterback? You know what I mean, even if you don’t know the term armchair quarterback. “What are you, stupid? DON’T GO INTO THE BASEMENT!!!” and “For the love of God, WHY would she go into the woods!?!” and the currently popular, “‘Hello’? You’re saying ‘hello’? Do you think the scary killer is going to say ‘I’m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?’”.
From the safety of your living room, of course you can say those things. You’re not being chased by a knife-machete-chainsaw-talon wielding maniac. You’re cozy, comfy, and enjoying a big ol’ bowl of popcorn. What would you do in that situation? If someone broke into your house and was not…of the norm, shall we say? In other words, Michael Meyers (not the actor) is standing in your bedroom, head slightly tilted, white mask face blankly looking at you, and a 9” butcher knife is raised menacingly in your direction. Could you survive?
I’m here to help. I want you to survive an attack by a maniac killer. I don’t want to hear that I could have helped someone survive an attack by a quasi-supernatural serial killer and did nothing to stop it, so I bring you ten tips to avoid being punctured, chopped, beheaded, and torn to pieces.
- You and your group have finally made it out of the house (campground, cornfield, abandoned doll factory), you’re running towards freedom and you realize you left your 200$ Oakley (Prada) sunglasses behind. Cut your losses and run. NEVER GO BACK, for anything, and certainly never say, “I’ll be right back” as you run away because you won’t. That’s the kiss of death.
- It’s not the wind. It just isn’t. You can convince yourself that the scratching noise on the other side of the wall is the wind in the trees, but we all know it’s not. Its evil and it’s looking for your blood.
- Engaging in intercourse is NOT the thing to do when there is a brief respite of thinly-veiled perceived safety. It’s just not. Don’t do it.
- You know how, when you’re in a race, the old adage is “Don’t look behind you”? Well when you’re being chased by a deranged lunatic, look behind you, often. Be mindful of your surroundings, but frequently check his progress. And if you think you’ve found a great hiding place, don’t just look the way you came. He managed to get ahead of you, which means he’s going to be behind you as you look back the way you came.
- KEYS! I can’t stress this enough. People, put your keys in your pocket. You make it out of the house, get to your car, and then…no keys. Guess what? Look at #1. You’ll have to find some other way to make a get away.
- Stick together. This means not tripping anyone to sacrifice them to the killer to buy you time. You’re most likely with your friends, and you can actually come up with a plan to bring him down, at least long enough to truss him up like a Thanksgiving turkey.
- Never assume the killer is dead. Even the ever popular “double tap” is only relative to zombies, never maniacal killers. Beheading them sometimes works, but they are always immune to gun shots.
- Curiosity may not have killed the cat, but it will kill you. Be curious about art, history, and how things are made, but never, ever be curious about the shadow on the wall in the darkened room of the scary abandoned house.
- If you’ve heard suspicious noises, and then the lights go out…just assume the worst and take up defensive positions. Don’t question, don’t worry about looking stupid. Just do it or it won’t end well otherwise.
- Once you finally reach your car, and you have your keys, look in the back seat. Seriously. He’s probably there.